The Truths of Dating

     For those of you who have known me, I’ve been single for a couple years now and it has its good days and bad days.   Through this journey of singlehood I’ve made several attempts at the dating game and picked up some knowledge from my friends and experience.  Sometimes the dates go really well and they result in another date.  But other times for one reason or another that initial curiosity and interest dies out like fate taking a leak on our life’ sparkler.  Sometimes this would leave me disappointed as I would sit at my desk and I’d feel it vibrate, only to find that it was the cubemate next to me’s phone and I’d see that big empty status bar on my phone laughing in my face (you see, the desks are joined at these walls that make up the cube, and so if a phone rings on one desk, the vibration can be felt several desks down…it’s an elaborate network of shame and embarrassment.)

                                                     Kind of like ABC Family

     I was always in a relationship from middle school til mid college and so I had the whole “being in a relationship” thing pretty much mastered (maybe I’ll do a post on that some other time called Relationships: Even an Asshole Can Be Good At This Shit (working title)).   So when it came time that I was off on my own, junior year of college I was pretty much the Level 1 Warrior with a wooden dick in my hand killing wolves for their pelts…I didn’t ask questions I just did as the quest givers (my friends) told me.  Through all of that experience, I found that sometimes my friends are full of shit and I just needed to experience things on my own.  In lieu of this revelation, I present to you the story of my turning from clueless white kid with literally zero swagger into…well a guy with some idea of what a vagina is.

#1.  Don’t Give a Shit

     This is probably one of the biggest pieces of advice I had always been told by members of both sexes.  They’d say things like “Just play it cool” or “Wait a while before you respond to her texts” or “Thwap her in the face with your boner throwing caution to the wind.”  These things are all true (especially the boner thwapping) and important to remember as you go through the stages of dating.

             Stage 3: The "Remember That That Time You Didn't Pay Attention To Me When We Started Dating?" Stage.

     Say you just met a girl through some normal way of meeting girls- subway, the internet, Rule-34 convention…most likely you’re going to have to communicate with her at some point again if you want to see her down the road, right?  So what do you do?  Why, treat her like a princess, of course!  I remember the first piece of advice when it came to girls came from my mother- If you want a girl to like you, just be nice, polite, and caring.  In theory this sounds logical because you’d be doing several things that would be interpreted as the following to a rational human being:

1.       Demonstrating interest

2.       Showing you have a soft side

3.       Letting her know you know how to function in society

But unfortunately, because of how women think this becomes interpreted as the following:

1.       I haven’t done anything yet and I already have this guy’s full attention

2.       My life has drama…oh god does it have drama.  Oh so you’re caring?  Let me tell you about how much of a bitch Jenna is.

3.       You pulled out my chair for me?  Hey, can you carry my….everything?

You will get eaten alive if you keep up being the nice guy for too long.  This is generally how guys fall into the “just friends” zone and once you’re there believe me, you never get out.  I know how a lot of you guys are thinking when you hear this advice too.  You tell yourself “Oh (desired girl) is different because she’s really sweet, smart and down to earth.  She totally can see what’s going on and we don’t have to adhere to those social boundaries other people fall into.”  But the truth is that she may consciously realize that you’re being nice and that usually girls trample over guys like this, and then she’ll tell herself “Oh I’m not like that.  Some girls may abuse his compassion and lead him on, but not me.”  But in the end all of that is just bullshit because they will still unload things on you whether they mean to or not, because you are available and are just a ball-less sponge sitting across the table from them. 

Trust me, I’ve been in the situation countless times where I’ve thought a girl was different because she was the intellectual type, or even girl’s I’ve gone out with who were god damn psychology/sociology majors.   You will be able to talk to them on an intellectual level about why people behave the way they do, existentialism, even how women seem to be attracted to assholes because they see it as a sign of dominance and yet the results are always the same…as soon as you start showing that you value their opinion this early in the relationship you’re essentially kissing that chance of seeing them doing reverse cowgirl to you goodbye.  Sure you can ask what hobbies they have, if they have pets, etc. but really try to limit the amount of questions you ask that could invoke opinions, and for God’s sakes don’t ever ask for advice.

Now you went through your first date of getting to know the person, but not getting too overly excited about her right?  Great.  Now it’s time to not text/call/telegram her for the next several days.  Let her wait and think about how the date went, then let her start thinking about why you’re not asking her how her day is going.  If she texts first with a “What’s up?” or “How’s it goin?” you can just let that sucker slide by, or you can answer with a simple response like “not much” or “pretty good.” (or if you’re the classier type, “dicks” is also an acceptable answer).  The key here is to show that you’re not thinking about her too much because think about it…she is barely more than a stranger so why would you be?  It’s important to distance yourself from the situation and just chill.  You’ve been single for a while and you’ve been managing to not stalk girls while wearing your trench coat and glasses-with-nose-and-mustache disguise, right?  Right guys?  Which brings me to the next point…

#2.   You Don’t Need to Be In A Relationship

     I used to honestly believe that I was always happier in a relationship.  Think back now to the time when you were in a relationship you were happy in.  Do you have picture of you two driving around in your car with some song playing you both like and laughing and singing to each other like the carefree lifestyle of the 1950s?  Or how about the picture of you two snuggling up in bed together for a nap while you listen to the rain hitting off the roof?  Those images are about as reliable as Used Knife Salesman who’s trying to also get you to come with him to his new Church on Tuesday nights where they drink Purple Kool Aid and worship the teachings of Gary Busey.

                                      Sugar, Water, Purple...and Garey Fucking Busey

     We have a habit of commonly putting on rose-tinted glasses when we look back on our lives because we naturally don’t want to remember things that bring us down.  So for all of those times you were holding hands as you skipped down the street to go see “Inglorious Basterds” and drinking a boob-flavored beer, there were just as many times where she was whining about you playing video games, not remembering that she obviously was out with Kristen that Friday night three years ago and not Krista, and “your favorite TV show is bullshit so we’re watching The Bachelor”.

     Hey, you know when you don’t need to deal with that shit?  When you’re single.  Believe it or not, when you’re in a relationship, all of your problems are not automatically solved.  Sure, you have a warm body to fall asleep with every night, someone who shares the stress that comes with living, a person who may actually think your opinion kind of matters.  But that same person will at times get pissed at you without telling you why and “think it’s best if she went home instead of sleeping over”, be giving you the stress that she was supposed to be helping you get over in the first place, and come to the conclusion that it’d pretty much be the greatest thing ever if you didn’t exist. 

     Like I said before, I’ve been single for a couple years now with varying degrees of dating involved since then.  All of that time I was thinking of my previous girlfriends and how great it was that I had that one person who cared about me in a way that no one else did, and someone who I could always depend on to be up for going out somewhere…my Partner In Crime (All together now, “AWWWW”).  I got seriously depressed thinking about this, and I mean seriously.   I was to the point where I didn’t give a shit about my friends because I saw them as all replaceable things since they all cared for me in the same way, I would drink because “Fuck it”, and I would stay at home alone every weekend because “Girls out there are shit and don’t appreciate me for who I am like (previous girlfriend) did.”

     Eventually, out of entertaining the idea that “hey, maybe I should try to not be miserable today” I began making a list of specific incidents that I had with each girlfriend that drove me insane.  After a while I began thinking more along the lines of “God damn, why did I ever date these girls again?” and began seeing similarities between the ex girlfriend and the girl I recently met that may be a warning sign that there’d be “more of the same” ahead. 

     After this realization, it became extremely evident that I didn’t really “need” a girlfriend like I had conditioned my brain to believe.  Sure there are a bunch of great things you get from being in a relationship, but there’s a shit ton more nonsense you have to deal with too.  Whether you’re in our out of a relationship, it’s not that one is necessarily better…it’s just different.

#3.  Dating Is Monotonous

     Dating can be a lot of fun- you get to meet new people all of the time, learn new things, try new places out to eat, and if you’re lucky get some…experience later on in the night.  What usually doesn’t get talked about though is that dating can become less Indiana Jones Adventure and more World of Warcraft grindfest adventure.  As you go along you start to notice a lot of people talk about the same things, none of which are generally very interesting:

1.       Work

2.       Vague cliché references to partying/alcohol in a coy manner

3.       Pets

4.       Did I say work yet?

                           

       "No Really, tell me again...your dog tilts his head sideways and it's super cute when you ask if he wants to go for a walk?  By the gods, this behavior is unheard of in a canine!  What a rarity indeed!"

We all engage in these things at some point during the “getting to know you” stages of any relationship.  But when you’re “dating around”, this just becomes a blur of all you ever really hear and it begins to melt into one huge clump of a ambiguous mess.  Every time you talk to meet these people it’s like getting the cliff cotes to their lives, or a single serving packet of personality that they try to fit everything into.  What ends up happening is these little things begin to sound the same because you hear something like,

“I’m a nurse and I really like it because it’s challenging and I get to be with people all day.  But sometimes that can be a down side too.” Then they laugh politely at their witty comment.

Give it a week or so and the next girl you go out with you hear,

“I’m an events coordinator and I really like it because it’s challenging and I get to be with people all day.  But sometimes that can be a down side too.”   Then you hear that same God damn laugh.

Basically you never really get to decide what type of person someone is, or able to tell “Is this person at all interesting, or at least sane?” because all you ever hear are the same canned conversations over and over.  Then you run into the problem if you try to talk about something interesting that they find you creepy and unable to socialize normally with other people, or that you seem clingy for asking for their opinion about something besides fucking Jersey Shore or how her pet cat does this really cute thing with her ears and it’s like, just so cute…you have to see it.(see #1 about why you shouldn’t give a shit about their opinion, even if you want to).  In the end, consider the following statements that are probably roughly true for all “first date” stages:

1.       Time spent at initial meeting the person (online or in person): 15 minutes to one hour

2.       Time spent texting this person/follow up conversations…the stage where you make them comfortable enough to go out with you: 30 minutes to two hours

3.       Time spent talking to friends about this girl and what you should do: 30 minutes to five hours

4.       Time spent possibly stressing, or even thinking about an unreturned text/call: one to ten hours

5.       Date itself:  One to three hours

Total Time: 3.25 to 21 hours

That’s a shit ton of time regardless of you being on the shorter side of that equation.  Most of that too is spent all in your own home, without actually getting to know this person.  Now what happens if this whole thing didn’t work out because she’s a bitch, doesn’t like you, or she doesn’t know when Guild Wars 2 is being released?  Well fuck you son, you just lost that much time of your life stressing about a dead-end road.  Guess what else?  The next chick you will know absolutely diddly shit about, and will have to start the whole “getting to know you” process over again.  Man isn’t dating great?

#4. It’s Very Hard to Find Compatibility

     Finding someone you get along with can be tough.  That’s why places like eHarmony and match.com exist, to try to pair you up with someone you will get along with.  Being a user on several dating sites for a brief amount of time in my life I can say that these things are generally bullshit.  People online will often answer questions based on what they think is the “right” answer, regardless of what they actually feel.  I’m sure this isn’t done because people are actively trying to fuck other people over, but it’s human nature to try to build ourselves up better than we really are. 

                                 "I'm an innovative mind with deep roots in the culinary arts."

     A good example of this was one girl who had made a very clear point that she was looking for an “honest man”.  I was like “Hey, I’m honest.  I’ll give this shit a shot”.  So we talked for a couple months, and I had made several arrangements for us to meet up.  The first was the most extreme case, when she said she was driving down to my house for New Years Eve, because she wanted to spend it with me.  Being my naïve, 22 year old self I was like “Oh sure, this sounds like a great time to get to know her and probably get tail too.” 

     She called me telling me she was going to be there at 8, and she couldn’t wait to see me.  8:30 came, and she wasn’t there.  I called her and no answer.  She called back 9:30 and said she was lost.  I asked where she was and she told me “by the side of the highway” but that was all I got, as she hung up again.  It was now around 10:30 and I hadn’t heard back from her and I started to worry.  I called several times and she didn’t answer.  Then she texted me that she thought she was by one of the roads by my house, so my dad elected to help me go look for her (as I was pretty wasted by this point).  We drove around in a 30 minute radius of my house, looking for her and never found her.  Eventually she told me she had turned around and gone back home, apologizing for the whole thing.  This sort of thing went on two more times, but I didn’t bother going out driving around anymore.  She eventually confessed that she had lied about everything she had ever told me, and that the pictures were of a girl she went to High School with.  Needless to say, the girl looking for an “honest man” and turned out to be a huge lying bitch is somewhat ironic.

                              "Huge steaming pile of lies"  Abe...Yeah, that sounds right.

     This sort of thing happens though a lot and not necessarily as extreme as that.  People are different to some degree on what they value in life and what they can’t stand.  For instance, some girls I’ve went out on dates with wrote me off right away as soon as they asked if I played video games, while other girls would try to impress me by saying “Oh yeah, I love Halo and Rock Band.”

     Some of the things you can’t even possibly think of asking up front and can’t find out until down the road.  A good example of this is when I was dating this one girl, I thought it was awesome that she laughed at all my racial, vulgar jokes.  But unlike her, I knew how to turn that sense of humor off when it was appropriate.  She however would push me to the limit and start doing thrusty-hips and grunt noises even when she just showed up at my door step and she knew I didn’t really want to see her.  Yeah, people are different that’s all I’ll say about that.

     Some of you may find this to sound pretty pussy and want to troll the shit out of me…this article wasn’t really for you.  This article is for those of you who have been single and hating yourself because of it, thinking that once you find the right girl all your problems are over.  The important thing is to remember that these things happening in the immediate vicinity of your life are only temporary, and won’t even show up on your overall life timeline.  People are going to come and go in your life, and it’s important to realize that and to not worry so much about “if this is the one who is supposed to stick around.”  Because I guarantee you the one who will is the one who will require the least amount of effort to make it work.