Over the last four years I've lived in four different cities (finally in one place for longer than a year this time!), so I've had some experience with the whole "going out of town for the weekend" thing to go see old friends and family. Most recently I was back in Pittsburgh (my hometown) for the holidays and took a much needed break from the busy city life of DC. As always it was nice to see friends, but I've noticed a few things these last few times I've been back.
I spent my entire childhood and part of my early adult life (until I was 20) living in Pittsburgh, so I know the area pretty damn well. Whenever I drive around I see places I remember when I was a kid: like a neighborhood playground I used to go to all the time, a bar that used to be a convenient store of some name, that used to be a Stop N Go that I'd ride my bike to, etc. All of these things bring back memories and that's all good, but it got me wondering if this is really what I consider "home".
I know Hallmark commercials and Lifetime movies always try to tell you that home is where your family is, and that's partially true. I love my family and friends, and usually we all get along great. But the truth is that sometimes it feels as though they are all just like a bike you had when you were younger, or your favorite t-shirt from high school. I don't say this as a way of devaluing my relationships whatsoever...if anything it adds more value to them because it gives the sense that you have limited time with them, and you that want to get in all the experiences you can so you will have more to remember later. For someone that has moved away from his hometown, I can say that it's great going back and seeing everyone, but it just doesn't feel like home anymore.
When I realized this, I wanted to figure out what the hell was going on and what had changed. So the first thing I did was try to decide on a definition of home. The first thing I did was say the response they always tell you in the movies: It's where your family is. But then obviously, if that was the case, I wouldn't have been feeling this way.
Then I decided "Oh well easy, it's whereever my computer and most of other stuff is." So one holiday break, I decided to bring my computer, guitar, xbox and everything else I used on a regular basis back with me to my parent's house. At first it felt like I nailed it, but then I felt a sense of homesick. With that I knew material posessions weren't necessarily it.
Then I thought maybe it had something to do with reputation and external impressions. When I was in college, I thought my apartment was pretty much the coolest place on earth. Hell, I could theoretically go up to some girl and say "Wanna go back to my place?" and do unspeakable things (but of course, theoretically unspeakable things). Just that one phrase has so many social implications and says so many things about someone:
1. They're at least partially self-dependent
2. They don't live with their parents
3. They're at least somewhat responsible
4. They're an ass. (unless it was the third date, of course...as stated in the Gentlemen's Code)
I had a place of my own which showed people I had actually grown up (hey, junior in college is basically real life right?). I think this was half of the answer I was looking for.
The other half was when I realized that at my place I had total freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted. If there's a movie with a sex scene in it, I can watch it without anybody judging my taste in movies. If I decide that I don't like a leftover meal, I don't have to eat it three days in a row until it's gone. If I decide that 5am is a totally acceptable time to come back home because my friends and I decided Silent Hill and alcohol go amazingly well together at all hours of the night, then by God I'll get home at 5am.
The point is that control is a big thing to people. We love to feel we are in control of our lives and situations, whether it's by choosing an iPad over a Galaxy tab (which you should totally do...never), pushing the pedestrian crossing button (that actually intentionally doesn't do anything), or drinking uncontrollably for a night (ironically, drinking to the point of no self control) we love to feel like we have a say in life. It's an important part in defining who we are, which is why teenagers always threaten to run away from home because they feel they have no control in their lives. Most likely, these kids want to run away from home because they just want to find what home really is.
Once I discovered that home was really just a place where I had control, and not necessarily about where I felt loved, things seemed much clearer to me. Living on your own away from family isn't always the easiest thing, as there are many times that it feels downright lonely when the only other inhabitant in your house is about 15 pounds and his method of communication involve licking and peeing. But at least I can say with a proud tear in my eye, "He's peeing on my carpet."
I completed a monumental task which I was much more symbolic than it was anything. I was leaving Pittsburgh to go back to DC and I got out my GPS, being the gadget-dependent person I am and saw that I had never updated the "Go Home" button on it, since by default I had always just called my parent's house home. With a great reflective sigh, and a stared out the window, I updated it to my DC address. Thank you Garmin for finalizing my epiphone, you sweet little piece of existentialstic circuitry.
