Upcoming book project: Tiger in Plain Sight

It's been forever since I've posted anything, but have no fear- I've been busy busy. I'd like to announce my book that's currently in process called Tiger In Plain Sight. The book aims to answer some key questions that many people ask themselves today:
Have you ever wondered about the cultural differences and similarities we have with people from across the globe?
Do you ever feel like you could be doing something more with your life but you just never seem to have a way to make it true?
Why do we even exist?

Tiger In Plain Sight is designed to tell us the answer to these questions. Here is a snippet to peek your interest:

Chapter 1

“You don’t even speak Chinese!” she shouted at me.

“Mom, I told you before I learned Chinese when I studied over in Shanghai. I loved it there.” I responded, sensing I was getting nowhere. I let out an exhausted sigh.

“But it’s so dirty over there and where are you going to live? What are you going to eat? Did you know the news has been talking all this week about the companies that are moving back to the US? Their people are all in poverty!” she shouted.

“Mom…” I started, but she was already interrupting me.

“No, I can’t let you go. I can’t let you risk your life like that. You’ve heard all those news stories about the unsafe food! Just get a nice job here close to home and find a nice girl.”

“I can’t do that Mom, I told you I can’t stand being here anymore…not after what happened.”

“What happened?”

“Look, I don’t want to talk about it. I just want to get out of here.” I stated as I reclined and took a sip of coffee.

“You could move back home then! Joyce Gordon’s kid just moved back home from California. There are a lot of new jobs popping up all over the city!”

As she continued to talk, I looked out the window wondering if I would ever see the cityscape again after tonight. If I pretended like I never saw it before, it looked so nice. But I became jaded after the years, and now I just saw the scars left on the city’s face, kind of like how in a relationship you know all of your partner’s imperfections.

“I just don’t want to see you throwing your life away…I won’t let you move.”

“My minds made up Mom, I’m going. I’ll keep you posted.” I asserted, this time raising my voice.

There was a pause on the phone. I could hear her staggered breathing, sounding like she holding back the tears. “You were always such a good kid; I just don’t want to see you move away like this. When will I be able to see you again? I’ll be worried every night about what happens to you. Oh God I won’t even be able to sleep!”

“Don’t worry Mom, I’ll be fine. I’m 29 years old; I know how to take care of myself. So all I ask is for your support, but if you can’t give it to me then at least try to take care of yourself.”

That was pretty much how the conversation went when I told my mom I was moving to Shanghai to start my own company. She viewed it as a personal attack on her, but after what I had seen and been through I knew it was the only option that I could be happy from.

I love my mom, don’t get me wrong and I know she loves me. Ever since I was little I would see her bushy brown hair and blue eyes behind those thick glasses and feel a sense of comfort. Even today I still go back to those days whenever I see her smile.

She had a right to be worried about me, but what she didn’t know was that she raised me even better than she thought. I took note of every lesson she and my dad taught me in a constant struggle to better myself and avoid the pain they had warned me of. I was always a good kid- I spent most of my life listening to whatever she wanted me to do and trying to be a good son. But I also know there’s a difference between being a good son, and stupidly being a good son.

This decision had been one that was planned out for every step of the way. Every detail was carefully orchestrated like a beautiful symphony and I was the composer and the conductor, and fate was my ensemble. All it was waiting for was for me to raise my baton, and

woosh

The movement begins. But like any wonderful piece of art, it took time and patience to develop. Every intricate detail considered, every rest noted, every accent accounted for. It took Mozart over 10 years before anyone even knew his name. For my plan, there were thousands of frustrations, hundreds of restarts, and countless hurdles that almost stopped me from being able to get to where I am today.

In order for someone to get inspired to complete a masterpiece, they need an inspiration, or an ignition. An inspiration I believe is somewhat like a glass of wine. Say you take that wine and pour it out slowly onto the floor. Sure it comes out, but the puddle won’t spread very far. No, if you want to truly reach your full potential, you need that glass to shatter on the ground and let the wine cover the floors all the way to the wall. Women were Picasso’s inspiration, and nature inspired Leonardo Da Vinci. So what was my inspiration, the force that caused my glass to shatter? 

Chivalry isn’t dead…it’s just waiting to be woken up

“Chivalry is DEAD” 20+ year old girls like to say.  They take a sip from their cosmopolitan and give condescending glares to the men walking by their tables at some busy upper scale restaurant in some nameless city.  The men walk by not noticing them, and infuriate the women even more.  “What an ass.  See, who doesn’t even look at me.”

Romance can be a funny thing when you’ve been told one thing and think that way your entire life.  Ever since the early 90s schools have been educating kids to believe that they are “special snowflakes”- they’re smart, beautiful, can get any boy/girl they want, and can do anything if they set their mind to it.  In middle school and high school this was supposed to counteract the self-esteem most kids suffered with from overactive hormones, bullying, and rejection they might feel from their peers.  But once these kids got to college, the harsh reality that no one cares about the other person because they believe they’re all special snowflakes set in. 

Here is where the paths of men and women split.  In high school, social groups were already established at an early age before much of this teaching really sat in.  For instance a girl would have already had her group of friends that she was friends with since 3^rd grade and they were bff’s until graduation.  In that group, each girl was important to one another, and even though they talked behind each other’s backs they still were friends in the end.  They all experienced the reality that sometimes guys don’t like you, or maybe not getting into the same college as the other and felt their hearts break at each and every turn.  But still, in the face of all adversity their group of friends and parents would all console them with that same general message- “Don’t let some guy/school bring you down.  You’re a great girl, and have a lot to offer.  You are very special and will find the right guy/school soon.”  This type of consolation continued even into college as these girls found new friends. The more rejection these girls got, the more delusional they became in their expectations.

In contrast, guys adversity was generally not faced with this same optimism eventually once we got to be around 16 or so.  If the girl we liked didn’t like us back, we didn’t get on the football squad, we didn’t get into the school we wanted, etc., our message was along these lines: “Why do you think you didn’t get what you wanted? What can you do to improve so that next time you’ll be able to get what you want?”  If “what we wanted” was a girl, generally friends would say something like “that sucks dude” and that was it, or joke and say “probably because she doesn’t want some guy that still dresses up like a robot on the weekends”.  This message of self-betterment came from our parents, our friends, our family, our professors, anybody we came in contact with because they were trying to prepare us for the real world.

The second downfall of the “special snowflake” theory is what happens when everyone thinks they are a special snowflake i.e. all women? The problem with the theory is that it never really emphasizes the idea that “Yes you are a special snowflake, but so is the person next to you.  So what can you do that makes your snowflake prettier?” In a blizzard, all snowflakes look the same. The only way to appreciate each individual snowflake is if that snowflake falls slowly to you, and goes into the palm of your hand.  In other words, the snowflake comes to you, shows you who it is and why it should be appreciated.

So how does this translate into the dating world? Ask any girl what they require of guys and they all say the same things: tall, handsome, smart, a gentleman, etc. Many even have much stricter requirements that demonstrate nothing about a personality by saying they won’t date a guy unless he pulls a chair out for them, opens doors, buys them dinner, buys roses on the first date, etc.  As you can see, all of these things are investments that a guy must make for the girl before he even knows a thing about her. In a society where women cheat as often as men and there's not guarantee that this woman is who she says she is, is actually single, is worth it, etc. it's no wonder guys are so cautious. In our eyes, that's basically the same as some random person from the street coming up and asking for us to buy them dinner. We have no idea if your worth an investment yet, so why would we want to take that step?

The next and final point that needs to be made is that guys aren't necessarily looking for what it is you are selling. The cosmetic industry brings in $170 billion a year by girls believing that putting ground up rust and insects on their face will make them more attractive, thus increasing their value, thus hoping guys will be willing to believe they are investing in a great product. The same techniques have been used since people began trying to trade things with one another- they'll wrap something up in a pretty cloth or put it in a pretty box to hide what is really inside. In the dating world it's called "beautification", but in the real world it's called "lying". Sure, some guys have different opinions on makeup, but the general consensus usually lies around the realms of not much to none at all. It's not just makeup that I'm talking about either as it goes to clothes, hair, jewelry, anything that is purchased to make you feel/look beautiful. All of these things are superficial and can be used to misrepresent what is really inside that pretty box.

Going back to the situation earlier about women believing they are entitled to a man to spend money on them, open doors, etc., this is the same as saying you would go out to a store and buy a new TV without seeing the TV outside of the box(her personality), the picture quality(her quality as a person), without seeing how much it is(is she worth the amount of effort), and without even asking anyone about the TV(talking to friends/her friends about her)...but just buying the TV because it had a duck on the box and ducks are funny. In the end, you don't even know if that was just a display box and nothing was actually inside of it! In love ladies call this "romantic", but in real life this is called "fucking retarded".

So ladies, please understand when guys don't jump at the opportunity to spend money on you, or to pull out your chair when you guys sit down at the restaurant. Because it's not that we don't want to believe you're a great person, it's just that we've seen many blizzards before full of snowflakes- and it's been a long winter.

The Voice (and why it's horse shit)

A couple weeks ago I recently finished watching Season 2 of NBC's The Voice and was less than pleased with the results of the show.  Now as a musician and someone who also doesn't watch TV, the show sounded like a perfect fit for me since the hit show American Idol is primarily based on looks, personality and unqualified judges.  So when I heard about The Voice last year I was that maybe TV people finally understood music and that there could be a good show around the industry.  But last year they proved me wrong, and this year they slapped their big media dicks in my face and called me a dumbass for watching their stupid show with the results.  

Now I know the show ended several weeks ago and this post is kind of late to talk about this, especially with how the internet considers something that happened more than 12 hours ago old news.  Originally I was just going to let this whole thing pass and get over it after my immense disappointment from the results.  But still these feelings stayed in my mind

For those of you who aren't familiar with the show, basically it takes out the superficial things that influence the coach's decisions- looks, stage presence, nudity (who couldn't fall for a 300 pound cow showin' some leg?).  The way they do this is by having a singer up on stage with the coach's chairs turned.  Then once they hear someone they like, they turn around and try to fight with the other coaches to see who's team that singer will go to.  But unfortunately, the show's authenticity and credibility kind of ends there, as by this point now they've obviously seen what the person looks like and how they behave on stage.  Their little brains begin making comparisons to other members of their team of singers on who they like, and who they don't. 

After this point, it only gets worse.  The coaches begin "coaching" their vocalist team and teaming them up with other people on their team to do duets.  After rehearsing and their final performance, the coach votes one of them to go home.  Now there are several problems at this point:

1. The coaches choose the songs.  This completely takes out the point of music being about expression, and completely works against a person's strengths a lot of times.  For example, giving a person a deep voice a vocal part that is very high so obviously he fails, or giving a country singer an R&B song.  Most of the times in the battle rounds, one person would be the favored singer because it would be their style they always sing, then the competitor would be a singer who never even thought about singing that genre.

2. The coaches have now already seen the people who are on their team so they know the fatties, the hotties, the socially awkwards, etc.  These people are human too, and they feel the tension with these people just like we do when we meet someone who just really doesn't seem to understand how people talk.  

One of the things that surprised me for the whole duration of the show was just the horrible tastes these coaches had and what they looked for.  A few common themes that they seemed to like were screaming and keeping it loud the entire song (Jermaine, Jamar, Sara Hill), girls that can't project their voices and sing like untrained indy artists (Lindsey Pavao, Naia Kete), voices that put you to sleep (Katrina Parker, Johnathis), or just the voices that are terrible and try to pronounce things funny (Mathai, Erin Martin).  I think the biggest shock from all of it though was that they pretended like these people were unique and they never heard anything like them before.  It just shows that even being in the music industry, they've sunk their heads so far in the sand that they never even heard of bands where the singer sounds exactly like them (Lindsey Pavao  sounds like the Yeah yeah yeahs, Naia Kete Leila Brussard).  

In order to try to balance the power, the show let America choose to save artists at some points, but other points it was just up to the judges.  Unfortunately, because of their naivete and taste many artists went home way before they should have, and even objectively the best singer went home because of it.  During the show, there was a 19 year old singer named Pip who wore a bow tie, and this kid blew pretty much all of the competition out of the water.  He was sent home at the final four and it just seemed like his coach Adam Levine of Maroon 5 didn't give a shit that he was America's favorite or that he was objectively the best on his team.  The only singer who was close to him in talent was this shaved head ex Broadway star Tony Vincent.  Both of these singers went home around the mid to late points in the competition in favor of vocalists that couldn't enunciate clearly, couldn't project their voices, or in Pip's case sent home because Adam just didn't like the kid.

So who won?  The guy that won is the reason I'm writing this article, friends.  There were 36 contestants on the show, and the guy that won would've been about the 32nd best.  His vocal style is very over the top exaggerated with the Backstreet Boys style of improv thrown in for good measure, very boring and generally at one constant volume.  His voice is the type of voice that whenever companies are too cheap to want to spend money to get the rights to a real song for a commercial or whatever, they hire some scrubby studio musician like this guy to sing Rock You Like A Hurricane or some other very literal song that the words directly correlate to you wanting to buy their product.  He's got that tryhard voice of a singer on one of the Guitar Hero's singing a shitty cover of some Aerosmith song or Rollingstones.  The point is his voice is the exact opposite of unique, and the epitome of vocal diarrhea mist.

So now that it's over, am I going to watch next season?  Maybe, because there's still that little boy inside me that wants to believe the world is good and just, and that talent and skill will equate to something in life.  But I just hope to God that next year my favorite doesn't get voted off just because the coach doesn't like him.  Hell if you don't believe me America loved him, just check the youtube comments for Pip's videos.

Pip is really better than Tony Lucca,,,, I hate to see Tony goes to Final.. Katrina, she deserved to be on the final.

thartato 2 weeks ago 55 

omg i love pip so much. i did not watch an episode of the voice since Adam sent him home. this song is so beutiful, and he made it even more beutiful. WHY ADAM... WHY?

the second he started singing, i decided he would be my favorite the whole season. then he picked my favorite judge, and now i love him even more. and i love his bow tie:)

gleelover150 2 months ago 56 

Implications of a Job Change

Changing jobs is a pretty huge step in most people's lives, and it affects a lot more than just where your dragging your half-awake body at ungodly hours of the morning.  I'm currently in the grace period of the "two week notice" time, or as I like to refer to it "career senioritis".  Long story short, I found a job that was going to be closer to home, better benefits, better pay, and hopefully more fulfilling while simultaneously feeling less like a continuous lobotomy. 

I've never gone through this situation, so I imagine normal people's experience goes something like this:  Person interviews for other job while working for current company, person receives offer, person gives two weeks notice, person leaves.  Unfortunately things seem to very seldomly go by the book for me, so I've been noticing a lot of unforeseen problems that arise when changing jobs in a professional career.  I think that because  the jobs are more complex, that it makes sense that coming on/off a job makes things infinitely more complex.  That's when I started to realize things like...

1. You have to talk to your boss to tell him your leaving

I knew on some level that I would of course have to communicate my point to my boss somehow that I would be leaving if I got a new job...I just never really knew how that would go down.  I've had experience with transferring to a different project at a different location, but it was within the same company.  When you're leaving the company all together, that adds a whole new level of awkward to a conversation with a boss.

Some of you may have those stereotypical Office Space type bosses, where you see his shitty little face and can barely help but smack it with the closest office supply (preferrably stapler or stool/cabinet). 

What do people even put in these things?  Warm Beer?  Xboxes? GOLD?

But my boss and I have always been pretty cool with each other and he legit did try his best to make this at least a slightly tolerable place to work.  So when I had to go to him with the news that I was leaving it made me feel like I was letting him down, and especially because I was going to be leaving before even finishing the current project I'm on.  This made it even harder because...

2. Bosses don't want you to go

If you Google "leaving your job before finishing a project" there will be all sorts of forum posts and advice columns that you can find where people talk about this.  Sadly, none of them had my specific scenario in mind(more on that later) so I had to make the decision on my own (which I hate doing when it comes to career decisions).  Basically I was in a situation where I was leaving a project that I was the only person who knew the functional aspects of a design (since I was the one who made the damned thing).  I did my best (and still am) doing my best to explain things to the developer who is working on the project (and also leaving the company a week after I am...makes you wonder wtf is wrong with this project right?).  But because of the circumstances, it makes it hard for me to transfer any knowledge to anyone since there are no people who are really free enough to be trained in what I had designed, and the developer will be gone as well.  This kind of made my boss not too happy.

Like I said I had never had to leave a company before, so I did what I knew to be standard protocol for leaving a job-He told me that I was putting him and the project in a lurch because of this and I felt bad since he had always done his best to be a good boss.   But if you search the interwebs, 110% of the responses people say "Fuck them.  You gave them a two-week notice and that's all you need to give.  If the company needed to get rid of you, you'd be lucky if they even gave you that much!"

This isn't very helpful, but at the same time I kind of took that advise since it was in my own best interest as well.  I compromised a bit and gave him an extra day since I had a bit of flexibility in my start date.  Oh yeah, start dates make you kind of think of another thing too...

3.  How much time between jobs can you afford?

Up until start date/end date conversations came up, I never really thought about the timeframe of switching jobs.  When one of my friends switched jobs, he was able to schedule it so he had a few days off before starting.  Of course when I saw that, I was like "Well shit, I want a vacation too!"  I know some people can't afford to be unemployeed for a few days let alone a week, but I luckily am comfortable enough to be able to afford that.  So I did what that 12 year old Ryan would've done- pushed back my start date a week so I could have time to play video games, guitar, build forts, play with action figures, etc.

This is what has kind of made my whole transition a bit more complicated, since I technically could work the extra week, but I just don't wanna.  This is one of those times where I had to decide if it really is professional or not to leave like I am, and if there are even repercussions to it.  So I tried to see if there were any ways it could come back to bite me in the ass, and ultimately since I don't plan on coming back to this company I currently work at ever- the answer was no.  Besides, how can you even do a convincing pro/con list when the  pros include "sleeping in", "not being at work", and "eating all the candy I want for a week"?

4. Endless work required to stop working, and then work again

 When I told my boss i would be leaving, it wasn't all that simple since he was out of the office at the time.  I had to decide on the perfect communication channel (I decided on BET) and wrote him an email.  The email wasn't enough however, so then I had to set up a meeting with him to talk about why I was leaving, when, etc.  Now as a basic rule that I've found, the more the job pays and conversely the complexity of the job, the more complications arise when entering/leaving the company.

Let me give you an idea- two years ago when I started my current job I had to fill out about an hour or so worth of paperwork before I even got hired.  Then upon being hired there was another several hours worth of paperwork involved, not including orientations or trainings (another full week's worth of material, easily).  Later on I transferred projects at which point I had even more paperwork to fill out and at this point I was staying in the same company.

Now, I have to redo all of that similar paperwork again for my new employer, while simultaneously filling out another stack of paperwork for leaving my current job.  This includes stock information, exit surveys, benefits information, not including a whole sleuth of exit interviews.  Yeah, when you work for clients, many times they want to give you exit interviews too (I've already had one and still have another 2 to go through).  The whole idea is kind of ironic in the sense that you're trying to leave the company because they were too unfeeling and inorganic, but yet they bombard you with more robotic touchy-feely hands trying to hold onto you before you can leave.

Yeah, like that.

Video Games and Girlfriends

Throughout all of my relationships I've been in and my friends have been in, girls have made it abundantly clear- they don't like us playing video games.  You'll have a vast array of responses that you may receive ranging from the straight up rage (FUCK YOUR GAMES! YOU'D RATHER GET YOUR FIRST WIN OF THE DAY BONUS THAN SPEND TIME WITH ME!) to the passive aggressive types ("I don't want to interrupt your game, I'll give you space." and then bring it up at some later time with a fistful of vengeance and a lamp through the window.)  The point is, they hate this shit.  So ladies, here is a chance to get a little bit of an understanding on guys and video games.

1. It's in our DNA

The first point I want to make is that we don't hate you, and we're not playing a video game just so we don't have to talk to you.  Since most of us were young, we have been collecting coins and leveling up our scantily clad heroines.  That feeling of gratification we get from getting a new sword or owning noobs hardcore is part of what makes us males. 

Think back to primative man for a second- what traits come to mind?  Aggressive, competitive, resourceful are just a few that come to mind.  Video games satisfy those basic desires we have by always giving us a goal, giving us limited resources, and pitting us against competitors.  When we win our game of League of Legends, Counterstrike, Battlefield, or whatever it is we play it releases endorphins into our brain that reward us for that stressful match and then still pulling out a victory. 

Even through years of evolution we're still programmed to believe "what we see is perceived as reality", no matter how unbelievable the graphics may be.  At a fleeting glance the game may look silly, but to someone who is in intense concentration the brain is registering everything they see as their reality, and they must react to that stimuli.  The level of focus we often times have for these games is comparable to what our ancestors would have felt when they were on the brink of warring with a fellow tribe, town, country, or whatever.

2.  Not all games are mindless and pointless

There have been many studies done over the years to highlight the positive effects of gaming.  Some are pretty basic such as increased reflexes, better fine motor skills, better hand-eye coordination etc.  But those are all pretty basic and not necessarily transferrable to the business world.  The real interesting stuff comes when you start to look at some of the skills that can you know, actually make you a better human being.

For instance, every gamer knows (and girls, this is what you should know too) that there are primarily two different types of games- twitch games, and strategy games.  Twitch games are your platformers, your fighting games, your blowing up people's faces with a grenade games.  The eyes sees a target, it tells the hand to mouse over (or joystick over) to that target and react to it.  Some of the benefits from these types of games include a boost in visual acuity, the ability to pick out objects in a scene, and spatial perception.  Quick, think of when these things would be handy skills to have- driving, packing a fridge, rearranging furniture, spotting that sniper on the second floor of the mall...yeah, you'll thank us when that North Korean Assassin misses you because we did a dive-save for you.

The second type of games are the strategy games.  These are the games with many different factors to consider for each decision the player makes.  Every action has a consequence and a possible reward.  Resources have to be maintained in order to achieve maximum efficiency.  These are the Civilization series type games, the RPGs, the Warcraft or Starcraft series.  Some of the skills that get picked up from these are improved cognitive skills, reasoning, and working memory, and timing.

Do these skills really sound like things that are only limited to video games?  If you said yes, then I'm sorry there's no hope for you and you should probably go find yourself a cardboard cutout of Zach Effron for your new boyfriend.  Because the truth is that these skills all can translate extremely well into a professional life.  For instance, when I'm in the metro station or driving, I can use my spacial recognition in order to maximize the efficiency of my commute in order to avoid cars/people and to get to where I need to go.  Or at work, I can transfer those problem solving and information processing skills to get my work done 20% faster than non-gamers.  Yeah, that means in an 8 hour day, gamers can get done as much work as you in less than 6 and a half hours.

3. A hobby in an otherwise hobbyless world

Say what you want about video games, but at the very least they are an engaging and interactive experience (or are supposed to be- Farmville and JRPGs with 3000 cutscenes, I'm looking at you).  A video game is a way for us to identify with something after work or school, and to just relax.  These days such an activity should be welcomed with ope arms, what with the decline in hobbies people have these days.  A general trend our nation has been going through over the last several decades is that people spend less time on hobbies more time watching television than 40 years ago.  And no, watching tv is not a hobby.  Facebook is not a hobby.  When you factor those things out of your day, what are you left with?  If you're female, more than likely the answer is "errands" or "sleeping". 

So basically what I hope to really convey here is that we're not playing video games out of spite, or to ignore you, or even saying that you're boring.  We're just doing what we feel is productive and natural.  Plus, they're just so damn fun.

The Definition of "Home"

Over the last four years I've lived in four different cities (finally in one place for longer than a year this time!), so I've had some experience with the whole "going out of town for the weekend" thing to go see old friends and family.  Most recently I was back in Pittsburgh (my hometown) for the holidays and took a much needed break from the busy city life of DC.  As always it was nice to see friends, but I've noticed a few things these last few times I've been back. 


I spent my entire childhood and part of my early adult life (until I was 20) living in Pittsburgh, so I know the area pretty damn well.  Whenever I drive around I see places I remember when I was a kid: like a neighborhood playground I used to go to all the time, a bar that used to be a convenient store of some name, that used to be a Stop N Go that I'd ride my bike to, etc.  All of these things bring back memories and that's all good, but it got me wondering if this is really what I consider "home". 


I know Hallmark commercials and Lifetime movies always try to tell you that home is where your family is, and that's partially true.  I love my family and friends, and usually we all get along great.  But the truth is that sometimes it feels as though they are all just like a bike you had when you were younger, or your favorite t-shirt from high school.   I don't say this as a way of devaluing my relationships whatsoever...if anything it adds more value to them because it gives the sense that you have limited time with them, and you that want to get in all the experiences you can so you will have more to remember later.  For someone that has moved away from his hometown, I can say that it's great going back and seeing everyone, but it just doesn't feel like home anymore.


When I realized this, I wanted to figure out what the hell was going on and what had changed.  So the first thing I did was try to decide on a definition of home.  The first thing I did was say the response they always tell you in the movies:  It's where your family is.  But then obviously, if that was the case, I wouldn't have been feeling this way. 

Then I decided "Oh well easy, it's whereever my computer and most of other stuff is."  So one holiday break, I decided to bring my computer, guitar, xbox and everything else I used on a regular basis back with me to my parent's house.  At first it felt like I nailed it, but then I felt a sense of homesick.  With that I knew material posessions weren't necessarily it.


Then I thought maybe it had something to do with reputation and external impressions.  When I was in college, I thought my apartment was pretty much the coolest place on earth.  Hell, I could theoretically go up to some girl and say "Wanna go back to my place?" and do unspeakable things (but of course, theoretically unspeakable things).  Just that one phrase has so many social implications and says so many things about someone:
1. They're at least partially self-dependent
2. They don't live with their parents
3. They're at least somewhat responsible
4. They're an ass.  (unless it was the third date, of course...as stated in the Gentlemen's Code)

I had a place of my own which showed people I had actually grown up (hey, junior in college is basically real life right?).    I think this was half of the answer I was looking for.


The other half was when I realized that at my place I had total freedom to do whatever the hell I wanted.  If there's a movie with a sex scene in it, I can watch it without anybody judging my taste in movies.  If I decide that I don't like a leftover meal, I don't have to eat it three days in a row until it's gone.  If I decide that 5am is a totally acceptable time to come back home because my friends and I decided Silent Hill and alcohol go amazingly well together at all hours of the night, then by God I'll get home at 5am. 


The point is that control is a big thing to people.  We love to feel we are in control of our lives and situations, whether it's by choosing an iPad over a Galaxy tab (which you should totally do...never), pushing the pedestrian crossing button (that actually intentionally doesn't do anything), or drinking uncontrollably for a night (ironically, drinking to the point of no self control) we love to feel like we have a say in life.  It's an important part in defining who we are, which is why teenagers always threaten to run away from home because they feel they have no control in their lives.   Most likely, these kids want to run away from home because they just want to find what home really is.


Once I discovered that home was really just a place where I had control, and not necessarily about where I felt loved, things seemed much clearer to me.  Living on your own away from family isn't always the easiest thing, as there are many times that it feels downright lonely when the only other inhabitant in your house is about 15 pounds and his method of communication involve licking and peeing.  But at least I can say with a proud tear in my eye, "He's peeing on my carpet."

 I completed a monumental task which I was much more symbolic than it was anything.  I was leaving Pittsburgh to go back to DC and I got out my GPS, being the gadget-dependent person I am and saw that I had never updated the "Go Home" button on it, since by default I had always just called my parent's house home.  With a great reflective sigh, and a stared out the window, I updated it to my DC address.  Thank you Garmin for finalizing my epiphone, you sweet little piece of existentialstic circuitry. 

Gamers: Anonymity = Rage

For those of you who play online games, you know the scenario- you are playing with your friends, and you guys are doing the right thing in all of the right situations-you're dominating the other team, on killing sprees, taking down towers, capturing points, etc.  But then that asshole pug on your team is feeding and throwing caution and logic to the wayside in favor of dicking over you and your friends.  I play League of Legends, and before this played basically every MMO, the main one being Guild Wars.  But regardless of what game, the vent/skype/teamspeak convo always went something like this:


"Okay I'm going in for a gank.  Push up."
"Alright I'm gonna stun him."
"For fuck's sake, what the fuck is this god damn fucking kid doing?  He's not pushing up with us...dude he's running away!  I fucking pinged to hit him and he didn't help us at all!  Now I'm dead.  God this kid is a macaroni artist."


We all do this, myself included.  Obviously, the kid who was not part of our group was drooling over his keyboard and struggling to tie his shoes to his hands while he was playing League of Legends...no other explanation right?  Sadly as much as I'd love to say this is true (because it would make things a lot easier for us to always have a skapegoat) the truth is that these people may not be as retarded we accuse them of.


When gaming, it seems that you and your friends generally have some kind of sacred pact between each other.  When one of you does something wrong, it's "Oh that's okay, he's usually pretty good. He just made a mistake".  Or when your friend gets zero kills in a game and dies nineteen times, you get slightly frustrated but you'll tell them "Don't worry about it man, everyone has a bad game."  Flip that to the other side though, and you see that if your friend was playing on an account that you didn't recognize the name of and weren't in a call with them that you would be raging THE SHIT out of that kid.  Why?  Because you don't know him, so naturally you assume the worst.


This doesn't even change if you're on a call with someone you just met from the game before.  For those unfamiliar, this is how online gaming friends are generally made.  You go into a game, and if you win, then all those guys are probably good guys- the types of guys you could have a beer with.  Some of these guys might have done exceptionally well, others might have been saying funny things in the chat.  Either way these guys, even if they did feed a bit...you give them the benefit of the doubt that they're decent people at the end of the day.  This is what leads to you adding them to your friends list, and playing future games with them.  Now these relationships are like real relationships in that some people are more open to socializing with new people than others, and some people prefer to stick with their same group of friends that they play with every day. 


With that in mind, you obviously don't really know this person you just played a game with.  But let's say you go into the next game with this person, and invite them to a skype call (or your vent, or whatever).  As soon as you get in, this person starts playing like an epileptic penguin at anime convention.  Most likely, we maintain the decency to not say anything...we even try to reason with ourselves that this person is just having an off game, and try to give them the benefit of the doubt.


This type of thing happens to everyone in online gaming, and gets even dicier when you start bringing them around your other online friends.  Your other friends might not feel the same way you do about this person because they didn't see that game where they went 20/2 on Lux (a League of Legends character).  If your existing friend is a true friend, he will be honest and tell you that kid sucks cock and to never let him in your vent server again.  But sometimes that existing friend will still give that new person a chance to "prove themselves" to the rest of the pack.


There are several elements at play here.  The first is the sunken cost fallacy- this states that after we have invested resources (in this case, a friend request and time playing the game and talking together) into something that we try to justify our decisions even when clearly it's a lost cause.  Think of it like this- you buy a new ipod.  The mac genius or whatever they're called at the store tries to tell you that you should get the warranty with it for another $80.  You figure you've already spent $300 on the thing, so what's another $80?  Before you know it, you've sunk an extra $200 into shit you didn't need in the first place...all on the grounds that because you already put money into it, so you "might as well" keep going.


The other thing that comes into play is the fundamental desire for approval and praise.  When you show your friends a new toy/friend/girl/whatever you want them to tell you "Oh, what a fine find you have there!  You really have an eye for these things!"  So we try to build up the person we found as some gift from God himself in neckbeard form and call him the Messiah.  When in reality, that game you saw him go 20/2 Lux he might have just been playing against some Brazilian in a grass hut on his Compaq from 1998.


So the real point I'm trying to make is that it's funny how just because you have communication means with someone and even a very brief history that you give the person even the slightest chance at not being a piece of shit.  Just think about this the next time you see some random make a noob mistake and your friend...if it weren't for friend lists and skyping that that kid would be the bane to your existence for 30 minutes.