Government Shutdown

As I'm sure you are all already aware, the House has been discussing the budget cuts for the upcoming year and have basically not decided on shit.  As I'm writing this, the government has 10 hours to decide before they go into "shutdown" mode.  In lieu of this, I'd like to say what this means to you...

The Government is going out of business!
(cue cheesy peddler music with an abundance of slide trombones)

That's right folks! Come on down to our country and own your very own commemorative pieces of our nation's history.  Impress your dinner guests with the Liberty Bell hanging in your foyeur.  Yours, for the low price of $34.99.  Need to find that finishing touch for your garden gnome collection?  How about the STATUE OF LIBERTY?  It can be yours for $199.99!

You there, in the back of the crowd.  What's your name?
"Tom."
Tom, it looks like you've fallen on tough times.  Would you say that's a fair statement?
"Yeah, I'm worried I may not have a job if the government shuts down." 
Well Tom, how would you like the chance to make $3 million dollars, AND get a piece of our nation's history?
"Well gee, that sure would be swell."
Stupendous!  We have casinos on Indian reservations that are just crying a trail of tears for you to turn them into your own cash crop!

How about you miss, in the back with the bonnet.  Tired of living alone with all of those cats?  Adopt your very own John Boehner today!  He's sad, lonely, and adamantly opposed to abortion...a truly great addition to any cat collection!

Morning commute filled with too much traffic?  No problem!  Just plop your personal Golden Gate Bridge down from your house to your work and avoid that tiresome traffic! 

Have a special interest in Russian counter-intelligence?  How about secrets discovered about the insurgency in Libya?  Inquire now about the bulk sale on our nation's secrets!

Now sorry folks I'm almost out of time, but I've saved the best for last.  I see we have a farmer in the back, with his John Deere hat on.  Well we have the deal of all deals for you!  Rooted in tradition and refined over time, you can have access to the nation's most prized agricultural equipment- Barack Obama.

That's all I have time for now folks, but be sure to check out my table including the bald eagle/praying mantis/baby seal dollar bin, JFK mystery bullet, and Martin Van Buren's mutton chops.